Eating Pizza Apparently Doesn’t Make You Happy & Our Whole Lives Have Been A Lie


If I had a dollar for every photo of me drunkenly eating a piece of pizza, I could probably fucking buy Papa John’s. But a group of psychopaths scientists say that it’s only the smell of pizza that makes you happy, not the taste. Has anyone, in the history of pizza, ever smelled a piece of pizza and thought “hmmm that’s enough” and walked away? If there is, I want names.

DiGiorno staged an experiment by using facial recognition software to “capture the emotions” of people at pizza parties. All I can imagine is a shittier version of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s “Gimme Pizza” song. The scientists scored the facial expressions and used them as indicators of happiness. It’s unclear how this would have worked if any of the participants had resting bitch face or the emotional capacity of Kourtney Kardashian. 

They divided each party into three phasessmelling, seeing, tasting. Clearly they left out the crushing feeling of regret after realizing you just inhaled 4,000 calories while wearing a crop top. Anyway, the smelling portion got 24 happiness points, seeing portion got 20 happiness points, and eating portion got 11 happiness points. They didn’t bother to provide us with a benchmark, like how many happiness points a salad gets or if this scale can be used for wine. Also, can we discuss how a supposed “study” was evaluated using basically the same system guys use to rate girls’ attractiveness? Seems the opposite of legit. 

DiGiorno claims their findings mean that people value the smell of pizza cooking in the oven more than eating it, so you should buy more frozen pizza instead of buying it from a restaurant. Hmm, I can’t imagine AT ALL why DiGiorno, a frozen pizza company, would put forth those type of findings.

So I’m calling bullshit on the whole thing. Their results could just as easily mean that the participants were happy when they thought they were going to eat delicious pizza based on the smell and became less happy as they realized that they were instead being served ketchup on cardboard.

Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries. 

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