Your job is that you have to find the monkeys that do crimes and put them in jail or send them Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys.
A fun bit of trivia about you is that your brain is in your foot. You had doctors put your brain in your foot so that you could get shot in the head without dying.
You have arrested many monkeys for doing crimes. This a villainous monkey named Mr. Slippers. Mr. Slippers committed insider trading on Wall Street, so you tracked him down and threw him in jail for 10,000 monkey years, which is equivalent to 86 billion human years.
This disgusting old pervert is named Mittens Supreme. In 1994 she was convicted of selling a 250-pound cube of cocaine to a human toddler. You used your skills as the Monkey Detective to track her down and put her behind bars for three ape hours, which is equivalent to 90,000 human years.
And this psychotic geezer is named Linus Pucker. Linus Pucker committed two crimes. The first crime was illegally impersonating a cowboy. The second crime was assassinating the Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand, which started World War I. You tracked him down by following the clues, and you put him in prison for 45 ape seconds, which is equivalent to three human minutes.
These are just a few of the monkey crimes you have solved during your career as the Monkey Detective. Now it is time to celebrate your success with a big glass of wine.
You keep your wine in the trunk of this car. The car belongs to your neighbor, but he said you could store all your wine in there. He lets you do that because he is in love with you and he thinks that if he lets you hide your wine in his car, you will marry him.
Here is your neighbor’s house. Your neighbor has been in love with you ever since he saw you naked on the cover of Endlessly Naked Detective Magazine. He is sitting on the floor of his house right now, waiting to marry you.
You knock on the door of the house, and your neighbor comes out to greet you. Your neighbor’s name is Sir Laundry Tomorrow-Always, and he is a Knight of the Realm. You hear him being in love with you deep inside of his suit of armor. “Hello. Please have sex with my big honkin’ crotch for 1,000 days and nights,” says Sir Laundry Tomorrow-Always.
“Would you be in love with me if I gave you an extremely old computer?”
“Here is my old computer. It is from 1997.”
You decide to get married to your neighbor. You go down to the lake to see the Love Wizard. “What do you want?” the Love Wizard screams at you.
“Sure, whatever!” the Love Wizard shrieks. “You are married now. Thank you for coming to my lake, and remember my motto: ‘There’s no maximum to the number of people you can be married to!’”
Okay, you’re married to your neighbor now. Better go drink your wine now.
You and your neighbor are married now, but neither of you care about it at all. You return to your neighbor’s car.
Oh shit and hell…
WHERE IS YOUR WINE?
Holy fuck of piss! Some criminal has stolen your wine! Where is your incredible wine? Your hot nectar of juice? YOUR WINE??? YOUR BOILING-HOT SYRUP OF SAP??? WHERE HAS GONE TO YOUR WINE OF?????
WHERE’S THE WINE, ASSHOLE???? IT GOT STOLEN!!!!! THE WINE DID!!!! SOME TYPE OF CRIME-THIEF STOLE UP ALL THE WINE!!!!!!
No! This is no time to be loud with a tantrum! You are a detective, and this is a crime scene. You need to search the crime scene for clues.
You look around the crime scene, and you see something familiar…something…yellow…
Just as you thought! Bananas! This is the famous yellow vegetable that gets eaten by monkeys! This means that the criminal who stole your wine was a monkey! And there’s only one person with the skills and expertise necessary to figure out which monkey stole your wine…
WHAT THE HELL OF SHIT??? WHERE HAS BECOME OF GONE AS OF YOUR WINE IS??? HOW COULD IT BE THIS FUCKED??? THE WINE IS JUNKED UP AND STOLEN AND MISSING, AND CRIMINALS THIEVED IT INTO OBLIVION!!! FUCK AND HECK!!! HOW DID IT BECOME GONE IN THIS MANNER???
“Ah, shit. Then I guess I’m doomed to pine after you from a distance until the end of the world. It’s every knight’s worst nightmare,” says Sir Laundry Tomorrow-Always. “In the meantime, please feel free to continue storing your wine in the trunk of my car.” He closes the door, and you can hear him crying while he blasts the album Salad-Flavored Frown, Ranch-Flavored Tears by the legendary band The Gloomy Scoundrels. This is the album that Knights of the Realm are required by law to play when they have had their hearts broken.
You! The Monkey Detective! You must go find out which monkey stole your wine and either put them into jail or send them to Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys!
It’s time to start investigating The Case of the Monkey Who Stole Your Wine!
It’s time to begin your investigation. To catch the nasty monkey that did thief stuff to your gorgeous wine, you’re going to need to go to the type of forest where monkeys live: the jungle.
Good choice. Tons of monkeys live in the jungle. It’s one of the places where they like to hang out and be gross with each other. You are about to enter the jungle when all of a sudden you hear someone yell, “Wait! Don’t go in there, Monkey Detective!”
You turn around and find yourself face to face with Natural Simon, the world’s most famous nature documentarian. Natural Simon has a show on the BBC called Skittles Safari, where Natural Simon finds the most exotic and beautiful animals in the world and feeds them Skittles to teach the world about which animals die when you feed them Skittles.
“Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Natural Simon. “I just want you to know that you better not interfere with too much nature in this big jungle right here that we’re both looking at. I’m going to be filming an episode of Skittles Safari, and I need you to stay away from all the animals so that I can feed Skittles to them in a natural way.”
“You would know the answer to this if you watched my hourlong Christmas special, “Skittles Feasts On The American Plains.” I fed a buffalo a big bucket of Skittles, and the buffalo burped and then died. From this scientific experiment, we can conclude that when a buffalo eats a bucket of Skittles, it burps and then it dies. That is the magic of nature.”
“Okay, whatever. I don’t care,” says Natural Simon. “Just make sure you don’t disturb nature too much.”
“Please do not kiss me,” says Natural Simon. “When I became the host of my nature show, I had to swear a vow of celibacy to the BBC.”
“In 1985, the legendary David Attenborough was shooting an episode of his popular nature documentary, Animals! Animals! Animals!” Natural Simon explains to you, “and he went up to a zebra and whispered, ‘My wife and I have sex all the time. Even on weekends.’ Listening to David Attenborough talk about his sex life made the zebra very upset, and so the zebra had no choice but to scream and run off a cliff and die. In order to avoid a similar disaster, the BBC has made everyone who appears on their channel take a vow of celibacy so that they can never make zebras commit frantic suicide by telling them how much sex they have.”
You leave Natural Simon behind for the time being and enter the jungle.
The first person you meet in the jungle is Dennis the Lion. “Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Dennis the Lion.
You thank Natural Simon for the wonderful story about David Attenborough driving a zebra insane with his erotic tales, and you enter the jungle.
The first person you meet in the jungle is Dennis the Lion. “Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Dennis the Lion.
“I’m doing fine, Monkey Detective,” says Dennis the Lion. “I just spent all afternoon watching a wasp lay its eggs in a caterpillar’s brain, and now I am waiting to die.”
“Yes, it’s great. I cannot wait for my nest of eggs to hatch. How are you doing, Monkey Detective?”
“That’s terrible. Your mind must be insane with #WinePanic,” says Dennis the Lion.
“As a matter of fact, I have seen a suspicious thing involving a monkey,” says Dennis the Lion. “One thing I saw is a famous monkey named Pervert-Pervert Gumbo walking into the jungle carrying a plastic bag of some kind. I couldn’t tell what was in the bag, but it smelled like it was stolen.”
“It just so happens that I know where Pervert-Pervert Gumbo’s secret #ApeLocation is, but why should I just tell you? Shouldn’t you do something nice for me before I tell you?”
“Oh, okay. Well, he lives in the River of Nasty Ideas. It’s just to the north of here.”
You travel north through the jungle’s nosy branches and thick old vines, and soon you arrive at the River of Nasty Ideas. This is where the monkey Pervert-Pervert Gumbo lives. He’s standing there with the grossest horrible smile plastered across his head. It is the grin of someone who has become happy because of something disgusting. He is terrible to know about.
“Monkeys and bugs can be…more than just friends,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. He stares at you with his disgusting grin and splashes some river water around with his hands.
“Wine is the romance syrup,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. “I have seen it…in my night’s dreams.”
“That depends…what does your wine look like?”
“Hm…I don’t remember seeing anything bottle-shaped recently,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo.
“I do remember something! One time my brother got sick, so I ate his legs and so I also got sick. I was barfing everywhere, and I got to stay home from driving school.”
“Oh…no, I haven’t seen anything involving your wine recently,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo.
“Oh, this thing?” asks Pervert-Pervert Gumbo as he waves a plastic bag around over his head. “This is my Garbage Pouch! I found it in the trash, and now I wave it around over my head a lot to let people know that I’m the kind of monkey that loves garbage.”
“Oh, well, Dennis the Lion must have seen me carrying around my fish,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. You see, every month I fill up my Garbage Pouch with a bunch of fish, and I carry the pouch around with me until the fish go rotten. When the fish go rotten, I celebrate by going to the bathroom. Then I dump the rotten fish off at a local elementary school so that the children can learn about how death makes everything smell bad. Then I fill up my Garbage Pouch with more fish, and the beautiful cycle begins anew.”
“I am an innocent angel,” says the disgusting monkey. “I am like Cupid, but even more naked and even more in a river. But I know about a nasty-bad monkey who maybe stole your wine!”
“Her name is Princess Neil Armstrong, and she is one of the most nasty-bad monkeys in the whole of the monkey world. I bet she’s the one who stole your wine! She lives in the jungle castle called Goose Manor.”
You leave behind the River of Nasty Ideas and venture into the jungle to find Goose Manor. As you’re leaving, you hear Pervert-Pervert Gumbo shout behind you, “Wait, Monkey Detective! I have one more very important thing to tell you!”
You ignore Pervert-Pervert Gumbo and continue walking deeper into the jungle. “Please! Monkey Detective! Please listen to me! This is extremely important!”
You keep ignoring Pervert-Pervert Gumbo and keep walking deeper into the jungle. “Monkey Detective, the information I have is vital for you!” cries Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. “You’ll die without it! Please just listen to what I have to say!”
“Please! Monkey Detective! You need to listen to me! You need to turn around and hear what I have to say! The fate of your life hangs in the balance! The fate of the world hangs in the balance! Please listen to me!”
“Sometimes, monkeys and bugs start out as good friends, but then the monkeys and bugs start to feel things…beautiful romantic things…and the friendship between the monkeys and the bugs becomes…something more…and the monkeys and the bugs kiss each other and…they have sex with each other (a.k.a. fuck each other). The monkeys have sex with the cockroaches and the beetles and the mosquitos and the many other types of bugs that they used to be friends with, and sometimes a monkey’s driving teacher sees him having se